How to Keep Love Alive in a Long-Term Relationsip

Beau and I celebrated our anniversary at the end of March. Eleven years of being together. Nine years of marriage.

We always celebrate March 31—the day we met—because we both knew on that first date that we’d be together for a long time.

My relationship with Beau has been, without a doubt, the single most important factor in me feeling safe enough to explore who I really am.

Feeling safe enough to leave a career in the restaurant industry. To start a food blog and travel the world leading retreats and workshops. To leave that career behind when the pandemic tanked it. To get certified as a coach. To untangle all the internalized racism I’d inherited growing up. To come out as queer. To open our marriage and explore consensual non-monogamy.

To feel strong and centered enough to talk about all these shifts here with you in the hopes of helping others come home to themselves.

There are no words that can express how grateful I am and how much I love this human.

But it definitely hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns! Lol.

There have been a shit ton of ups and downs. Fights. Disagreements. Resentment. Fear.

And alongside that: Complicity. Care. Tenderness. Safety. Love. And enough laugher for 10 lifetimes.

I would never say that we have it all figured out. But we are so solid. So here for each other.

Thinking on all the gratitude I feel for this human and this relationship made me want to share a few of the things that have helped us stay in love 11 years on!

#1 Express your anger. (And go to bed angry if you need to.)

Yup I’m coming in with a hot take on conflict in relationships!

It took us a few years to get this one down—we both grew up people-pleasers and tended to shove our anger down. Which only made it come out in super unhelpful (read: passive-aggressive or self-destructive) ways.

Once we committed to actually expressing when we were upset and letting that be ok—even if it felt incredibly uncomfortable—things got So. Much. Better.

Of course, I’m not advocating spewing vitriol at your partner or being verbally abusive. But negotiating ways to express anger that work for both of you is key to keeping that anger from turning into resentment, which is relationship poison.

For us, dealing with anger can mean saying “I love you but I don’t have the energy to figure this out tonight. I’m going to sleep and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I especially hated this one when Beau started using it. But you know what? It’s almost always better to talk about whatever is bothering us after a night of sleep when we’re clear-headed and less irritable.

#2 Create space for vulnerability

Everyone needs a relational space where they can show up as their true, unvarnished, imperfect self.

I’m not saying that you should let it all hang out on a first date. But honestly, sooner is better than later.

It’s so important to know that you partner is in love with you and not a version of you that you’ve curated for the outside world.

And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend my life keeping up an elaborate facade in order to be in relationship.

Which is why Beau and I frequently take time to check in with each other and hold space for the other to just talk about what’s on their mind and how they’re feeling.

Important note: When your partner is sharing something vulnerable, resist the urge to insert yourself or provide solutions, unless that’s what your partner is asking for!

This was more challenging for me than Beau (can you tell which one of us has less chill yet?), but I’m getting much better.

Here’s a phrase that can transform your whole relationship if you struggle with this: Would you like me to just listen, hype you up or provide feedback and/or solutions?

Seriously. That sentence☝🏽 right there can prevent so many arguments. And help your partner feel safe to share what’s on their heart.

#3 Know that you don’t always have to like your partner to love them

Another hot take!🔥

This one’s kind of controversial, but I believe you don’t always have to be crazy about your partner to have a good relationship.

When you’re beyond the infatuated, honeymoon phase, you realize that your partner is a whole-ass human being. Who is sometimes: annoying, irrational, grumpy, frustrating and stinky. And you are too.

They have weird opinions on things. They aren’t always in favor or your (clearly brilliant!) ideas. They fart in their sleep.

One thing that helps relationships thrive for the long haul, is allowing yourself space to both love, cherish and adore your partner; but also to dislike and sometimes even feel like you can’t stand them.

I’ve made Beau promise never to read my diaries if I die, because that’s where I vent about them when I’m annoyed and irritable.

And I’m certain that Beau sometimes has less-than-charitable thoughts about me. And I’m very ok with that.

Allowing yourself to feel the full-spectrum of feelings around your partner without guilt, keeps you from repressing your emotions (never good) and allows you to acknowledge your humanity—and theirs.

#4 Laugh!

Laugh a lot. Laugh often. Laugh with your partner. Laugh at yourself.

Because life is ridiculous and absurd.

When in doubt, try laughter. Laughing with your partner is one of the best things you can do to build the kind of intimacy that keeps relationships strong.